We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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