I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
