you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
