New low: just hacked my moms facebook
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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