If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize