sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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