she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
