you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
