I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
