so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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