My room smells like vodka and shame
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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