I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
