she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
