mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
