bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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