i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
