Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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