Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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