I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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