When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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