dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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