This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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