i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
