my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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