ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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