my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
