it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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