The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
