Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
