Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
