Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
