I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
