Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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