I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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