She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
