Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
