my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
