every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
