if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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