i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
and you fell through a lawn chair
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
