i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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