theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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