Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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