I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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