Please, let me fuck your mom
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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