The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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