I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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