Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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