We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
