Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
